Death IS a beautiful thing.

Tell me that it's not. I often think about how I just want to die, to be free of all the pain I feel. Like an angel. I think about dying in the mountains, in one of those meadows that I always passed by near Mono Lake. I swear, I think that area is my favorite forest now. I want it to be a sunny day, as it usual is up there, with those winds that I remembered went at almost forty miles per hour. And I want to just lie there, in the middle of a huge meadow, looking up, and just DIE. From some illness, like cancer or something peaceful. It's a little funny - how to everyone I somehow am living matter, except for the person that I care about the most. It's times like these that I just wish all the problems in my life would go away, that I would just disappear, as if anyone would even notice. I'm invisible. A pesty speck of dirt that you have to carry on your shoulder. But only to you...

Ticking

The fact that everyday I come to school to not only see my friends, but to actually learn, depresses me a bit. Of all the things I may dislike, it's the fading away of my youth I may absolutely hate. I breathe to live a life I want to live, and it's just saddening how I can't even go through a day without feeling ANY negative emotions, whether they're feelings of remorse or just stress. If you truly think about it, we all live each moment wishing for another moment to come to pass, and we never really do anything to make the current moment the best it can possibly be. I don't want to live each day wishing to wake up the next morning and see my friends and then wishing to hang out with them and thennnn wishing to go to a party and so on. I don't know if I'm making any sense to you, but it sounds just right to me. I mean, we're all just ticking circadian clocks, aren't we? Just ticking until night falls when it sets back to zero, and for what? To wake up in the morning and start all over, as if the day before has not been worthwhile? I don't regret the terrible things I have experienced or the rude statements I have said to a single person, and I don't ever wish to erase those memories and start anew. We're like wedding cakes. If you mess up the bottom layer, you can always cover it up with a second one and most likely it will end up looking better. Am I right? I guess I sound a little vague saying this since I believe in "cleansing the mind, body, and spirit through meditation", but I don't see that as "removing stress or negative thoughts". I see it as changing them, evolving them into more beautiful and appreciative things. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just want to say how much time really does fly by and how I'm not going to let anything stop me from doing the best I can with a moment. I grew up with an uncle who always told me to be productive, and I honestly love it when he says that now because I just think of the many people I know who spend time just lying in bed not even THINKING, while I'm pondering on why this or how that and et cetera, et cetera. Why do we, in "boring" situations, just look at the clock and watch the second hand slowly inch it's way around the clock when we all cry thinking about how high school goes by so fast? Do something.

Forever a dreamer,
DAROCATP

Homecoming!

Oh my gosh. That was amazing. The best dance I have EVERRRR gone to. They played more techno and electronica music than hiphop and thank goodness for that! I was a little depressed John wasn't there but I didn't let that get to me. I went crazy, crazyyy! towards the end and I can hardly remember who I danced with or how many times I got stepped on in the last hour. I have a bad scar on my second toe though from Kristina's stilettos. Oh well, it was amazing. Amazing! And I loved our little dance circle too and how we started the big one.

Oh today,

I love class council. I really do. I love everything about it, besides the fact that it takes time away from me, but that doesn't even matter that much. Beeken homework can wait! So today was fun fun fun. Very fun. Best skit rehearsal ever. I think it's cause we were so relaxed for most of the time, except for when we did the run-through's. Well anyway, yeah. I love how our school is so alive even when it's night already.

So tomorrow is late start + rally = hardly any class time. Yay! And after school = build homecoming float + practice + CCC potluck (if I can make it, which I doubt) + Homecoming game, if they need me. If not, I want to go watch HSM3, but Tiffany will be able to go and she's my HSM buddy!!! I also need to buy a homecoming dress tomorrow. And then a haircut on Saturday. Yay yay yay! I'm getting jittery (:

Love,
Spam Prancer the Dodo Cradle

proposition 8

* warning: inappropriate language may be used due to fury.

Read this. Seriously. Don't just skim through it. Think about it, and try to not be the heartless people you are.

Do you know what our country was purposed for? To be free, to be accepted, to be able to do what you want. In this democracy to this day, there are people that don't understand that. There is a time to separate religion for government. Why can't people just understand that homosexual people are regular people, and that it's completely senseless as to why their rights should be stripped. Now come on, give me THREE reasons why they should not be able to marry. Three REAL reasons. I can give more than three for why they shouldn't.

1. Our Constitution - "We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice..." and our Declaration - "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" This is America. If you don't believe in equality and human rights, move to another damn country.

2. They are all people, aren't they? How would you feel? Dare to tell me that these people aren't people. I dare you.

3. Are they hurting you? What have they done to deserve having their life ripped apart because of a lousy proposition? GO ON AND TELL WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO DESERVE THIS FOR SIMPLY BEING WHO THEY ARE. So you're pro-prop 8 because of your religion?!?! So what?!?!?! Can't you just leave those people alone? Leave those people be! They haven't done anything to you!

4. Religion is allowed to be practiced in this country, but you cannot just let the fact that the majority of the state is Catholic change the government. That's unfair and will lead to the downfall of our democratic republic. Religion should not make you a close-minded person.

5. Being gay/lesbian/bi is genetic. A person does not simply say "OH I'M GOING TO BE GAY FROM NOW ON". It's WHO. THEY. ARE. for Christ's sake.

6. Speaking of Christ, if you're voting for this because of your religion, remember that God created all people. Do you remember that? Now what?

7. What about the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you would have done unto you? Love thy neighbor? What goes around comes around? Treat others as you would want to be treated? What about that, hmmm?

8. How would you feel if you knew a person that was gay/lesbian? I'm sure many of you do. You see how happy these people are? They're just like us heterosexuals. Would it not crush your heart to see these people in the future all lonely and depressed just because of what YOU CRUEL AND TORTUROUS people have done?

9. Now tell me, what IS the difference between them and us - they're sexual preference? So what? They have feelings, like us. They smile, like us. They can love, like us. Why can't you understand?

I'm sure there's more reasons that I have already brought up in previous Myspace bulletins and in conversations with other people, but I've never really heard other people's side, besides "I'm Catholic" (John and Victoria). Do you have any other reasons? Legible reasons? I want to hear them.

Glenda H.

Today I went to my private voice class for the first time in a month. Can you believe that? A whole month without seeing my teacher, I haven't seen her on Mondays either because I haven't been going to City of Hope rehearsals either. Well anyway, we started singing On My Own and she noticed because my asthma is back, that I'm sounding breathy and she recommended me to see this one lung specialist, who she had been going to for so many years.

My teacher amazes me, I admit, at first, I had not believed she was an ice dancer, the piano student of a world renowned musician, in many famous plays, and could not call birds to her. But since I've been going to her private lessons, I've learned to respect her in such a way that I basically worship her for her talent. I have never seen nor heard anybody play piano the way she does. She has so many health problems, right now this muscle disease that she's had is flaring up (and it has no cure). I had to pull everything out for her because her muscles were too weak. She had to get half of her right lung surgically removed due to a birth defect where there were no arteries there. Well all the other things about her talents I believed and I already knew she WAS a "walking miracle" because when she had her right lung removed, they said she had only five years to live (she was 50). That was 23 years ago. GG is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She's my ultimate role model, she really is. I cry when I think how strong of a piano player and a singer she is now even though she's 73 years old.

Well anyway, we finished early and we saw a blue jay outside and decided to go out and feed her. I don't believe I have mentioned that my GG and Mark's house has this Native American thing going about it. They're full blooded Caucasians but you can see their love of Western American culture by walking around their house. Mark is a schoolteacher and is equally as talented in the arts as GG. He was an artist, as was GG, and was invited many years ago to take up a job concerning art (I forgot what specifically), but he refused it because he is a singer and had to take care of the sickly GG. Okay, anyway, Mark has drawings all over the house and they are simply ASTOUNDINGGGG. I can just stare at them forever and ever, crying because they're so beautiful. There's one in the living room with an eagle, and in the corner are Indians looking toward purple mountains (he named it America the Beautiful; make sense?). GG crochets and knits too. All over the house are sheets, slips, pot holders, etc all crocheted or knitted by her and the designs are AMAZING. AMAZING I TELL YOU. AMAZING. I will never forget these two in my lifetime.

Oh gosh, I got so off topic. So anyway, this morning we saw a blue jay, a girl one (GG knows her birds) and we walked outside and she was just skidding around the backyard. Then came two more, another girl and one boy. The boy I couldn't see because he was in the trees but he was bright blue while the girls were smaller and a darker blue. They're so beautiful. GG took some peanuts out from a can and threw them around the yard. After a while, they came out to grab them. We put some near the door so when we got back in the house, they would come get them and we could watch them (the back half of the house has no screens, only glass windows). She then talked about how fourteen different types of birds have come to their house before. That morning, there were doves there and once, a hawk came. I know they did, I saw pictures of them. Their backyard has this aura about it, it really does. It has this Native American feel to it because, I don't know, but it does. The Native Americans believed that when a hawk comes and circle above your home, it means good luck. That hawk keeps on coming back - it's no wonder GG is still alive, even with all her sicknesses, to this day.

I love GG (and Mark). I really, really do.

excited!

This whole week has been stressing me. I always feel down cause my whole life has to do with school, not like it's a bad thing. Student council is amazing; I wouldn't mind spending every day of my life there. I just wish there were more hours in the day so I could have some time for ME. I was on the verge of breaking down yesterday, no seriously, I was. Screaming at everyone, crying my eyes out, punching the door to my room. I couldn't take it anymore, but then there's that other side of me that knew I could, and I did. Well today completely turned my day upside down! Last week, I received a letter for recommendation for college financial aid and I was like "Oh okay! Woop dee doo!" cause it's not like I was guaranteed a scholarship. Today, however, I come home and see two letters with my name on them, one from Plan4College and the other from an anonymous but apparently prominent (judging by the elegant-looking envelope) organization inviting me to interview for more financial aid. I don't know what to do! I feel so happy! The thing is... it says that I am a freshman in one of the letters, probably because I skipped a grade and obviously they didn't know. I'm so happy though. The interviews are about 90 minutes, and I have a feeling that at every interview, I'll be asked the same questions and my daddy will get bored. Hahaha. Oh, wish my luck. No savings account whatsoever and I need these scholarships badly!

proposition 8.

I copied this off a Myspace bulletin I posted a few days ago.

So all week prop 8 has come up in conversations and it just pisses me off that devout Christians/Catholics are voting for it. I mean, come on, really? I'll say the most obvious reason why they shouldn't one more time.

God. made. all. people. ALL people.
ALL people, for crying out loud.

Read between the lines of the Bible and think logically. Have you heard of the Golden Rule? It's everywhere, even when not referring to religion. Treat others as you want to be treated. Love your neighbor as yourself.
What about that letcaliforniaring commercial, hm? Is it not inhumane to shun the rights people deserve to be given?
Beeken taught us the UN Declaration of Human Rights. What about that? Freedom freedom freedom.
Wouldn't you want that?
Did you know that being gay/lesbian is genetic? You don't just decide you want to be that. God wanted you to be that way.
Some gays and lesbians are Christian too, you know.
Many good and caring people are forgotten in this world just because of their sexual preference and that's not right, is it? Have you thought about that?
Discriminating against gay/lesbian/bisexual people is the EXACT same thing as discriminating people for their race, and don't say that it isn't, because you're wrongWRONGwrong.

Stop and think about it.
Now.

aggravatedddd

I was planning on coming to school with my bags of bottles for the WCHS recycling challenge (sophomores MUST win).
And I thought I only had 3, but I come home and I have 7, and they're overflowing so when I put them in newer bags so they can fit, there would be like 10.
I want to bring them tomorrow, so I started on one bag and opened it to clean the bottles since they've been in my backyard for like over six months.
And I have fruit trees in my backyard so there's lots of bugs.
So I was cleaning them with the hose and I see ants swarming out from the cracks in the floor cause of the water and they start climbing on my feet and I'm like washing them with the hose so now my jeans are all wet. And if they didn't climb on my feet, they went on the hose, climbing up to my hands, so now there's a bunch all over my arms and neck and every time I feel a tickle, I swat my skin. D:
This SUCKS. So I decided to stop since I started seeing other types of bugs, backyard bugs I don't even know the names of and that creeped me out. I don't know what to do!!! I need to bring all 700+ bottles to school by Friday. Tomorrow I have some serious bug issues to overcome. I mean, it's not like I'm living in Asia with all thoooooseeee bugs, so I pretty much have not much to be scared of. Oh boy, I hope there aren't any big ants living in the bags. Queen ant? ... naaaah. :|

It's been...

a busy month, and I'm sure that at the end of THIS month, I'll be laughing that I called September busy. I honestly have no clue how I would survive without listography. Without it, I'd probably be completely lost and unorganized. So a new month has begun, hmmm? October means- Halloween and Homecoming. All month I'll be at school until 7 or maybe even 8 for class council making our Homecoming float and working on our skit. I also have to organize a CCC fundraiser and bowling event. Then, there are the events for the other clubs I'm in. Oh, and there's the infamous Beeken. Busy, busy, busy. November I'm going to start babysitting my friend's younger brother (her mom and my dad used to be close friends) so if I survive this month, I'll be just a tad busier starting the next. It's like I'm slowly adding on to my list of responsibilities I need to tend to. I know I can do it though.

So you know what's sad? It's my fault, I know, but still sad. I was sooooo close to getting an A in Emigh's class. I never failed any of the Odyssey quizzes, so I could never take retakes. I got B's half the time so my grade was like, an 87% or so. So then there was that one essay that made my grade go down even more. I worked so hard on my Odyssey project, and I got 330/350. Aaaaaaand thennnnnnn, I checked my grade, and it was an 89.5%. That is just SAD. SAD. SAD. SADDD. I NEEEEEED A 4.7 GPA. I NEED IT. NEED IT. -sigh- At least it's not the semester grade, so I'm fine. If I don't have a 4.7 by the end of the semester, I'm going to kill myself. I will. You watch.