If every simple song I wrote to you would take your breath away, I'd write it all.

I am so freaking IRRITATED. Goshhhhhhhh, some people are just so ANNOYING. LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE. AAAAAHHHHHH I log on and my AIM is like ALKJFLSDKFJADFLKDSJASDLFJGDSK. JEEZZZZ. Although I did get ONE instant message that I'm quite anxious to find out what it's about. Hmmm...
I've been looking at my archive on listography.com/dianayoudork and I realized that I haven't been doing CRAP this month. I'm such a lazy bimbo. Ugh. I've been feeling so unhappy with myself lately.
Jeez, annoying people. Okay, so I started reading Eclipse yesterday because I realize I've borrowed it from Tita Ivy on Tuesday and haven't had time to read until then. So since I had no school and my dad demanded I stay in my room and rested all day, I read and read and read. And this morning I couldn't sleep after all of the rest I've had Friday, so I read again. It was 4 am when I woke up. I got up, took my millions of medications, ate, brushed my teeth, and went back to bed. But I couldn't go back to sleep. By this time it was already 6 am and I decided to finish reading. I was already on page 500 something (I read almostttt all day Friday). And so I read the last 100 pages or so as the sun started rising. Finished at almost 8 and thaaat's when I felt sleepy and went back to sleep. Then I woke up all groggy and cranky.
I want a guy who's like Edward Cullen and Jacob Black at the same time. Maybe more like Jake, though. (:
Sigh. So here I am... waiting for my dad to wake up so I can go to school and get my books out of my locker. I have so much homework to do. Ugh. The last day of January... This seemed like a really long month. Or maybe it's just that so many things have happened. Too many people walking in and out of my life in one month. It felt like forever since I last saw my cousin and my nephews, since I last heard him call me his beautiful princess, since my Auntie Vanity and I had bonding time playing maj jong and baking. But all that has only happened this month.


I feel like my life isn't coming out right - like there's just so many things that I'm MEANT to do but don't have the will to start working on. It's times like these when I don't even know if I still believe in destiny. I used to think God laid out different paths in our lives and we got to choose which forks to take, trying to compromise the two ways of looking at life (God laying every little thing out, or you choosing everything your way). So what if it can't be both, and life is really based on one of those two? Oh, I don't know. I'm too much into compromising to ever think it's one or the other. What, really, is destiny though? Are you meant to say every single word that comes out of your mouth? Does EVERY little action you do affect your life? Like choosing the Arrowhead water bottle over the Dasani one? Does every action you do matter when fulfilling your destiny? Or only the big actions? If so, what IS considered a big action? You can say that drinking the Arrowhead bottle over the Dasani one is not that big, but what if it turns out the Arrowhead water has just been recently contaminated and you die after drinking a sip? What are the odds? Does it even MATTER? WHAT IS DESTINY? I used to believe everything happens for a reason, and I still do believe it, but I had my own little compromised version of the philosophy, that each and every thing that happens in your life shapes who you are, but you are somehow able to control it. I don't understand why I had to compromise every contrasting pair of philosophies, but I do, and now I just DON'T KNOW. Maybe we all get to choose our fates and things only matter in our lives when we BELIEVE it matters. OR MAYBE, God lays out a little road - only one - and we live our lives thinking we can change our destiny, but we always end up taking the little road without knowing it because that's just our destiny. Then again, my original philosophy comes to mind that God has this big map set out for each of us, with a different starting place, and the same destination to heaven. That God lets us choose what to do to get to that place, so long as we remain moral. That EVERY single action we take represents a step on the journey of the map, but we have the ability to move the opposite direction if we wanted. Oh, I don't know. I wish I knew these things... but maybe there's really no such thing as a right answer. Maybe we just live. We just... live. We do. We act. We take life as it comes. Sometimes I wish I knew the REAL answers to life's biggest questions, but all along I've told myself that we all have our own opinions on the answers to those huge question marks above our heads and how we answer those questions, how we respond to "What is love? Destiny? Happiness?", how we see things - THAT's who we are. Maybe I'll keep on believing that. We are who we are, and we are who we choose to be. I live in my own little world of compromise and contrast, because that's WHO I am. I am calm but hyper, respectful but outspoken, optimistic but never fully happy, loving and yet always irritated with something, understanding but hypocritical. I'm smart but nonsensical, weak but courageous, bold but sweet, comfortable with myself but always expecting more, angry with the world but a little ray of sunshine, mean to people but loving to trees, etc etc. And I've always been happy with that. Maybe the RIGHT answers in life are what we CHOOSE to see as right. I don't know why I'm crying. Stupid crybaby. I guess you can say I kind of wish that there really WAS a right and wrong answer to everything, that not everything had to be a mystery and everything could be said and done just because it's RIGHT. I sometimes wish that life didn't have to be so hard, that we don't have to choose who we want to be. It's not that I want REGULATIONS, but guidelines to know what's right and what's wrong, like how the right way to play a piano is with your elbows up and wrists straight, and how the right way to eat is to chew with your teeth and swallow. Oh... I'm so confused. How do philosophers do it? I would die contemplating life this much. Haha.