The sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

I don't know what to say. After Beeken's tutorial and learning about impressionism and expressionism, I feel a tad bit more certain about who I am and who I would like to stay being. I have come to start to find all the little details in my life beautiful and appreciate them more. Like how beautiful the dust clings on to the extending arms of my chandelier and how the light is like a white-goldenrod shade that shines the room with warmth. I see how my carpet is like a light magenta color and how it kind of looks like a mini, faded Red Carpet. The Arrowhead bottle of water by my computer screen is just as beautiful too. I mean, if you think about it, can you imagine how long it would take for people to design such a perfectly eco-friendly label and shapely figure? We take everything for granted without realizing how much time and effort the creators have put into making them.

Bah. Speechless now. I am so easy to manipulate. I don't know what words he says are genuine and which aren't. It's so hard to NOT trust people. I open up to people so easily and I even KNOW that people will talk behind my back, and I allow it!!! I'm not the type of person to be all clammed up and secretive of my feelings. And it's so hard for me to NOT see the greater good in people. I know I'll be hurt in the end. I know my friends will always spread the stupidest rumors and my other friends will always believe them. But I've realized that despite all these things I am certain will happen, I still am able to confide - or rather, attempt to confide - in these girls I call my friends. Not too long ago, some friends were talking crap about another one of ours, and I even told them not to, and to realize that she is who she is and they should accept her for it, they still did. The thing was that, at nutrition, they still treated her like a friend. They even still considered her their friend, and I just couldn't believe that they didn't feel guilty for speaking negatively of her name and still treating her like nothing happened. I can swear on my life that I have never told her that her "friends" were talking behind her back, but it still makes me feel so bad that people do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. I mean, WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY? DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE BAD THINGS? Like, people spread the word about the "bad" qualities of a person when gossiping, and YET, nobody EVERRR mentions the good things. Compared to how much crap you hear about other people, how often do you hear "Oh my gosh, she is so generous", or "she's so sweet", or "I can always go to her when I have problems"? How often do you really hear that? Okay, I'm totally off topic. Well, I originally meant for this to be a short little paragraph saying that I can't trust boys but I guess it switched to girls. You know what? I hate when boys tell you sweet things and they say it to every other girl in the world. Flirts. Ugh, I hate being played.

Gosh, did you guys know that I'm a complete pushover? I completely gave away my document summaries (only two though) for Beeken to like, a whole chat room of about 6 people, and none of them helped me? And then, I actually type up my pages and pages of Beeken notes to people on AIM and don't even feel appreciated. And then I say THANK YOU when leaving the bus, and most of the time, they don't say you're welcome!!! We sing at the City of Hope hospital to dying cancer patients, and some of the nurses want us to leave?!?! Insanely rude, much? I chase after a loose dog for an old lady (just this Monday) and they don't even say thanks?!?!?! Okay, I honestly have never in my life expected anything in return, but now it kind of makes me feel bad when I do these tiny good deeds for people, I hardly ever feel appreciated for doing it. Diana, you freaking loser.